Lonely As A Cloud?

I don't remember what day it was. I don't remember what time it was. All I know is that I'm in love with him and I will stand by his side as long as I can. Try to love him with a love that last a lifetime.

He was tired. Sound asleep. I was watching the TV and was taking pictures of me. I like the outcome. He was on the background. I slip in bed after and made love. Hehehehe...

Buddha: Three Things That Matters

This is a text message from someone I used to date. He made me feel loved, important and significant to his life. But we have to move on, let go and set things free. Sometimes, things are not meant to last. Read on and learn like me...

>>

Let go!

Let God!

And then move one!

This is one lesson in life we have to learn.

Summer is not forever.

So is youth and beauty.

So is health and wealth.

So is power.

Life is more than letting go than holding on!

Buddha puts it beautifully:

"In the end, only three things matter:

how deeply we loved;

how fully we lived;

and how we let go of things or people not meant for us." <<

Broken Heart

Dub Dub broke my heart. Sometimes people do things without really thinking. I'm still asking myself why did it happen. Was it special or was it merely the act itself? But the decesion depends on me. There is no guarantee that it will not happen again. So, I have to think a trillion times. I'm guessing that yesterday, I was in a kind of a denial. I was thinking that it did not happen and I was trying to accept it yesterday and was telling myself that it's okay and that I can move on. Last night was the only time it all sank in. I was really broken. In the back of my mind I was trying to fix things because of the time I have spent with Dub Dub and the comfort we have already established and the fear of doing it all over again. Starting over. I hope I'm sure of what I am doing. Whatever I do, I have to do it fot the right reasons. They say that a person who could afford to hurt me that much is not worthy of my love. If I think that I can be with him and forget what had happened and then just moved on. Then, that would be great. Why cry over a spilt milk. I have to forget about that things that have happened because if I do not, we will only end up begrudging him all of the time and we end up fighting.

A Valentine's Day to Remember

More than a year ago, I was with someone I cared for. I was almost in the brink of giving my all to him, giving all of me. I always had a haunch that this guy was cheating on me so I started to back off and then I fell out of love for him. He wasn't the one I am willing to give my whole heart to.

14.February.2007

I believe trust is more important than monogamy. Once broken, you can no longer put it back. Just like Humpty-Dumpty. Stupid of him to sat on the wall and fall. And so stupid of me to have written this. However, if you can put it back, it may never be the same thing again. The truth hurts. It's powerful. It's like a sharp knife. It may be used to crave images and inspire others but can also inflict so much pain. Things honestly said won't hurt that much. One must face the truth, for truth set things in their proper order. Trust! A difficult thing to fix. And if you can't fix it, just step on it.

The Night I Cried

I was really disappointed for the past days. It was three days in a row. I was afraid that we might end up breaking up. I wanted to keep it down as much as possible. So, I kept my disappointments in my heart. We had an issue. Last Monday was the greatest because I really felt so down. I wanted to spend quality time with Dub Dub. To enjoy the time together. Something that we would talk about later in the day. I was jealous once when he was out with our friends. He was talking about what happened the whole night. I was pretending I was okay but deep inside I was in pain knowing that we don't get to spend quality time. Yes, we have time for each other but quality time is hard to achieve. We can't have that quality time. He also have issues and now I fully understand what he feels about me having to pay all the bills. We talked about it. We both have to adjust. I'm glad we have an open communication. That's another secret to a lasting relationship. He made up for that when he came back to my place. He brought a small ice cream cake. It was mango-cheese. I burst out to tears when I saw the cake and him saying: "I'm so sorry!". I could help but cry. I can't describe what I felt but I cried like a baby that night. He gave me a hug and he assured me that everything will be better. I really felt the sincerity on heart and I realized again how this guy loves me so much.

I'd Bleed Just to Know His Alive...

I wasn't feeling any better at all. I felt so guilty about what I did. My heart was bleeding. I got everything packed up. We made our way to the pool. It was quite long way. I was whispering words of apology on the way. I assured him also that he won't lose me just because of that. I was still in pain, bleeding and regretful about what happened earlier. What's done is done. I can't turn back time but I can assure him of my love and assure him that I will never be doing it ever again. We also made sure that since we are partners, one should tell the other about decisions that one has to do. Not to make decisions for him but to give the other partner awareness about the issue that the other is dealing with. Sharing would also mean an open communication between partners. I treasure so much my relationship with Myqel. I would give anything in the world to keep him. I would bleed just to know his alive.

It Ripped a Piece of My Heart...

Last Saturday, I was waiting for Dub Dub to come home so we can go ahead to the pool party. I was waiting for him. He told me that he had to go to the Seminary to decorate a few arcs. I was disappointed. I tried not to show it but Dub Dub already know me that well. He knows when I'm sad or confused. He knows when I'm terrified or disappointed. He knows me from the tip of my dark brown hair to tip of my toe. I was so hard on him that night that I was aware that I was hurting him emotionally. The third time that I tried to hurt him again made me feel so bad. It pierced my heart and when I looked at him tears started to fall from his eyes. I could not stand seeing him that way. I promised myself not to hurt him by any chance. I broke that promise that night. I rushed to his side. Held his head by hands looked into those tearing eyes. I could feel the pain he went through. I was just so hard on him. I never realized that until I saw him cry. It ripped a piece of me apart. I hugged him tight. I would want not to let him go. I was stupid to do that and I told him that I would never ever do that to him again. I want him to feel special. I want him to feel loved and important. He is very very important to me because I love him so!

I Dont' Wanna Lose Myqel...

I didn't expect Dub Dub to go back to the city yesterday. We had a bit of fight or I think it wasn't a fight at all. We just needed to reason out to the minute detail about the paranoia that we both were experiencing. We just had to pour out what our hearts were keeping. Dub Dub once saw me sending an SMS to De Paul asking if he was good-looking. He never told me about what he saw. He kept it in his heart. It kinda disappointed me in a way that we agreed that we should not keep secrets. That we holler put what we think is not right about certain things. I didn't get to tell him that today. I just realized that part now. I'm very afraid now. I don't wanna lose Myqel. I just don't wanna lose Myqel. He is everything to me. He is the one I'm willing to give my whole heart to. I don't wanna lose my Dub Dub...

Jealousy and Insecurity?

I was talking to Dub Dub last night after we had dinner. I was asking him about his very first boyfriend and how they got to know each other. I just don't know why but every time I ask him about it or every time I think about his ex-boyfriend I feel so jealous. What happened was he met Jonathan in the public swimming pool. He was attracted to him because he had a nice body. He made the move to get Jonathan's mobile number. I continued to ask him why he asked for his number. What was he after Jonathan? He said it was all about lust. All about sex. He asked to stop asking him about Jonathan because it will only hurt me in the long run. He told me past is past and I should dwell in that fact. He told me that I was way over different from Jonathan or from all the boyfriends that he had. I'm his sixth boyfriend and he is my fifth. He is way different from all my other boyfriends too. He is the sweetest guy I've ever known. I wanna keep him here in my heart forever if possible. I wanna be with this guy. I wanna be with someone worth all the love in the world. I wanna be with Myqel. The one I'm willing to give my whole heart too. I miss him so much. He'll be home soon. I remember his message last Tuesday night. He was telling me how he missed me. How he wanna be always beside me. How he wanna wrap his arms around me. How he love to kissed me and how he wanted to rest his head on my chest. He told me not to worry will be living together soon. We will be with each other, day-in and day-out. I miss him. *sobs!* Oh my, a tear just rolled down my cheek. I hate being very emotional every time I update my blog. Hahaha! I'm waiting for my shift to end. It's 6:04 on my watch. I need to be next to him. I wanna see him sleeping soundly beside me. Where I can feel his arms around me. When we can breathe the same air. I wanna be with this guy. I wanna be with Dub Dub. I wanna stay forever in-love with my sweet prince. My sweet Myqel.

You Won't Lose Me..

I fell asleep waiting for my Dub Dub to come to my place. Again, he was watching me while sleeping in my underwear. I guess he was turned on that he went up to me on the bed and woke me with a kiss. He was in his underwear too when he crawled into bed and started to make love to me. Hahahaha! Well, I won't be giving any details about what happened because I will be writing something more important than passion and sex. (But, I think sex is important, too. Hahahaha!) Kidding aside, now here's what happened. After having lunch, we went our separate ways. I went to the gym while he went to the next city for an interview for a new job. And you know what happened? He got the job! I was so happy for my Dub Dub. He picked me up in the gym, as usual. As we are about to go eating-out, he remembered that he had to go home and give Diggy and Lenden their medicines. So, I suggested that I go home with him because I also missed his nephews. He was preparing their dosages when I receive an SMS from my friend Ricky. Ricky was offering me a job where I can earn a bit of money. I will be posing as their nude model for videos and photos to be sold in Europe. I shared it to Myqel. I didn't know it hurt his feelings and made him feel bad. After he gave then medication, he just disappeared from the room. I just received an SMS from him saying; "I don't wanna lose my alch3mist! Please don't tell me the details of that photo shoot because it will only make me feel bad." My heart broke with those words. I didn't know what to say. I went out the room and looked for him outside. I saw him lying down on his bed. He was sad. I asked him if everything was okay. He told me that everything wasn't right. He had mixed bad emotions. I wanna hug him at that instant but I can't since his nephews would see us. So, I suggested that we go home so that we can talk. When we got home, I run unto him and gave him a kiss but he tried not to kiss me, I just gave him hug instead. I know something was wrong. He laid down on my bed and I felt the sadness in his eyes. We agreed a long time ago that we shouldn't keep any secrets between the two of us. So, I told him that we should talk it over. We were sitting on the bed together. I was facing him and looking in his eyes. I saw the sadness. I could cry looking through those eyes. I asked him to tell me what he was feeling. He never said a word. I asked again. He never said a word, as if he haven't heard. I told him that I don't to see him so sad. It breaks my heart to see him so gloomy. I hugged him tight and I started to get teary-eyed. He hugged me also and then he started to cry. He was in tears. It broke my heart again. He was telling me not to go with the photo shoot. He is contented already with what we had. He is okay if we take the lowest accommodation for the ship back home. He told me that my salary is more than enough for both of us. We don't need extra money! He doesn't want me to go nude just for extra income. He was also telling me that I am the fourth person who told him about a photo shoot and his other relationship ended because of that excuse. He was so afraid to lose me. He never felt like this before. The last time he was so in-love was with his ex-girlfriend. He was sobbing for a long time. It broke my heart so much to see him crying. All I could do was to hug him so tightly. Constantly assuring him that I will be at his side. That I will be staying with him and that he is never gonna lose me in anyway possible. I saw the love in his eyes. He loves me more anything in the world. When he felt better, we ate dinner together, then we slept in the raw before I went to work at 11 o'clock in the evening. I kissed him good night and I whispered "I love you!". I will be off work soon. He'll be asleep while he waits for me, and I'll wake him up with a kiss from his sweet alch3mist. I love you my sweet prince.